Alone
by the female apophis
Summary: If only he had anybody to love...


Alone

By: the female apophis

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Disclaimer: No, I don't own them. Sorry folks, you won't be getting paid for writing fanfiction any time soon.

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Characters: Jack.

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Pairings: mention of Sam and Jack UST.

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Summary: If only he had anyone to love…

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Spoilers: Slight ones for Chimera.

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Rating: PG-13, just to be on the safe side.

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Song: Yes. I don't happen to own any of them. They're all angsty Jazz pieces too.

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Other Stuff: Not really.

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Warnings: Okay, I've decided to put a depression warning on each and every thing I write from now on. Yes, this is depressing on a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a…6, maybe a 7. But no higher than that.

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A/N: Okay, see, now I'm warning you of depression all the time now. Jazz just happens to do something to the unsuspecting soul. This is the result of listening to Jazz, my favorite type of music.

Also, many thanks goes out to…well, no one actually. At least when it comes to Betas. When it comes to just general thanks, I don't want to bore you all with the close to a hundred people on my list. All I want to say is thank you to each and every one of you out there who has supported me, right now more than ever. It is your love and kind words that has kept me from actually taking that final leap into depression. It's you all who have kept me from losing it completely. A thousand words of thanks and love to each and every one of you.

And now, on with the story.

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It's a smoke filled bar I've found myself in this evening. A little place I haven't visited in years.

This little place hasn't changed at all either.

A long bar runs about three quarter's of the length of the room. It's an old oak finished bar. The stools are the perfect height, and they haven't lost their stability over time.

Towards the back of the room, a small stage is set up. A young man, no older than twenty six, is singing there. I can feel his voice reverberate down into my bones.

Making my way towards a small dark corner, I sink back into the old, welcoming leather booth, knowing that a waiter should be here soon to take my order.

I become so lost in my thoughts, I never saw an older man, wearing khaki pants and a button down shirt with a apron around his waist, approach me.

"Hiya Jack."

Glancing up at the man, it takes me a second before I realize I know this man.

"Dean. Long time no see."

He takes a seat directly across from me before he smiles and nods his head briefly.

"The last time you were in here was right after your divorce with Sarah became official."

I smirk and nod my own head, knowing he's gonna be asking me some questions soon.

Questions I'm not prepared to answer.

"You want your usual?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I'm kinda shocked actually.

Dean and I go way back. Hell, he's the guy who carried me out of that Iraqi hell-hole back during the Gulf. It wasn't long after I got out of the hospital that he opened this place.

He comes back a moment later, my drink his hand.

"Here ya go Jack. Whiskey on the rocks, without the rocks."

We share a knowing smile before he leaves again, going back behind the bar to wait on the two new customers.

As the tune to an old favorite of mine comes on, I look up to the stage, not knowing what to expect next.

As the words fill my ears, I instantly know that this song has become my theme song for the night.

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Another night, another drink

Another time to contemplate and think

Will I ever, ever have

Anyone to love

It's not that I don't try,

Maybe I try too hard,

Seems like I'm livin' a lie

So there's a game I just won't learn

And I wonder will I always be alone.

I take a sip and wonder

Why I haven't anyone to love.

I guess I'll say goodnight

My drink's done and it's morning light

Sorry my friend but you see

What other ending could there be

And I wonder will I always be alone?

I take a drink and wonder

Will I ever have anyone to love?

It's not like I don't have anyone to love.

Far from it.

It's just that the person I love doesn't return it.

Sad isn't it?

Downing the rest of my drink in one try, I gently set the glass back down before I look towards Dean and nod silently.

He knows me. He knows that the only reason I've ever come in here is to forget.

I came in here for the first time so I could forget Iraq.

I came here to forget Charlie.

I came here to wallow in self-pity after Sarah walked out of my life.

I came here after that damn time spent on Endora. After I hurt her so badly.

I came here after the Zetark incident. The day I confessed that I cared for her more than I have ever cared for another human being.

And I came in here tonight to forget that I'll never have her.

I'll never hold her in my arms, never tell her that I love her as I watch her sleeping in the middle of the night.

She isn't mine anymore.

She belongs to Peter.

I wince as his name comes to mind.

You know, I'm happy for Sam, I really am. She's happy, and because of that, I can't hate the guy.

But I don't have to like him either.

He took her away from me, and for that, I can't like him.

Dean's already come and gone, and I've been too lost in thought to care.

Another song starts up, another one that really hits home with me.

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You are far  
When I could have been your star  
You listened to people  
Who scared you to death, and from my heart  
Strange that you were strong enough  
To even make a start  
You'll never find the piece of mind  
When you listen to your heart

People, you can never change the way they feel  
Better let them do just what they will  
For they will  
If you let them steal your heart from you  
People, will always make a lover feel a fool  
But you knew I loved you  
We could have shown them all  
We should have seen it through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes  
Covered me with kisses and lies  
Survive, but please don't take my heart  
You are far  
I'm never gonna be your star  
I'll pick up the pieces and mend my heart  
Strange that I was wrong enough to think you loved me too  
You must have been kissing a fool  
I said you must have been kissing a fool

But remember this  
Every other kiss  
That you'll ever give long as we both live  
When you need a hand of another man  
When you really can't surrender will  
I will wait for you like I always do  
There's something there that can't compare  
With any other   
You are far  
When I could have been your star  
You listened to people  
Who scared you to death and from my heart  
Strange that I was wrong enough to think you loved me too  
You must have been kissing a fool  
You must have been kissing a fool  
You must have been kissing a fool

I have been a fool.

A fool for believing that she could ever love me. I mean, what could she possibly want in an old, worn out, run down man like me?

Tossing back another shot, it's not long before I've got about six more in front of me.

Dean knows me well.

He also knows I tip big.

I'm really enjoying this guy. He's quite good at singing the Jazz.

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The summer wind

Came blowing in from across the sea

It lingered there to touch your hair

And walk with me

All summer long we sang a song

Then we strolled that golden sand

Two sweethearts and the summer wind.

Like painted kites

Those days and nights

Went flying by

The world was new beneath the blue umbrella sky

Then softer than a piper man

One day it called to you

I lost you to the summer wind

The autumn wind and the winter wind

They have come and gone

But still the day, those lonely days goes on and on

But guess who sighs his lullaby's through nights that never end?

My fickle friend, the summer wind.

Oh, the autumn wind and the winter wind

They have come and gone

But still the days, yes those lonely days goes on and on

And guess who sighs his lullaby's through nights that never end?

My fickle friend, the summer wind.

Ooh, that summer wind

Warm warm summer wind.

Mmm that summer wind.

I hear the door open, and I glance up only to quickly duck my head back down.

What is she doing here?

I look quickly to Dean, and signal to him that I'm not there, and he hasn't seen me in years.

He nods briefly before turning his attention back to the glass he's cleaning.

I sit back further into the shadows, safe in the knowledge that this table has no light above it. Well, it does, but the thing shorted out years ago, and Dean never bothered to replace it.

I can watch her safely like this.

She's wearing a black shirt, full length, and a pair of simple sandals. She has a baby blue button up shirt on with a dark blue zip up jacket over it.

Turning back to my drink, I notice that the person on stage is no longer that young guy.

It's some woman, probably the same age as the guy, and she sits down behind the piano.

Glancing quickly at Sam, she's talking to Dean, asking him something. Dean shakes his head in the negative, before asking her if she wants something to drink.

After she's gotten herself something, she takes a seat at one of the small tables in front of the stage.

The music starts up, and once again, I feel a twinge of regret in my heart.

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Summer days are gone too soon

You shoot the moon

And miss completely

And now you're left to face the gloom

The empty room that once smelled sweetly

Of all the flowers you plucked if only

You knew the reason

Why you had to each be lonely

Was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again

You can't begin to give in

It's all over

When the snows come rolling through

You're rolling too with some new lover

Will you think of times you've told me

That you knew the reason

Why we had to each be lonely

It was just the season

Will you think of times

You told me you knew the reason

Why we had to each be lonely

It was just the season

Damn, this girls just as good as the guy was. She definitely knows about Jazz.

She's got the soulful, almost painful quality to her voice. One that few truly have.

My attention turns back to Sam, as she sits there alone.

Where's Peter I wonder?

I see her sigh softly, and I question what could be going on inside that pretty head of hers.

A second song starts up from the young lady, and my attention is torn between her and Sam.

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If I were a painter

I would paint my reverie

If that's the only way for you to be with me

We'd be there together

Just like we used to be

Underneath the swirling skies for all to see

And I'm dreaming of a place

Where I could see your face

And I think my brush would take me there

But only…

If I were a painter

And could paint a memory

I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you

And I'm dreaming of a place

Where I could see your face

And I think my brush would take me there

But only…

If I were a painter

And could a memory

I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you

I'd climb inside the skies to be with you

Suddenly, the front door opens again, and I watch as Sam turns towards it with a hopeful look on her face.

But it's not Peter that walks through the front door.

And I see the pain that drifts across her face.

My breath catches in my throat as her eyes suddenly turn to my dark corner.

I know she can't see me, but she looks as though she's going to get up and come over here.

Oh crap, she is.

The shadows continue to hide me as she gets closer.

It's not until she's almost at the table does she know someone's already sitting here.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was anyone sitting here."

"That's okay Carter, I don't mind."

I sit up just enough for her to see my face.

She looks shocked to say the least.

"Sir?"

"Go ahead Carter, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. I'm sure you'll be getting up as soon as Peter shows up anyway."

I see her wince at the mention of his name but I refuse to let my own pain show.

"Actually, Peter went back to Denver. I won't be seeing him for a few weeks again."

"Then why did you come here tonight?"

I sling back the third in the set of six shots Dean brought to me.

"I was looking for you actually."

"And why is that?"

Oh yes, major, I'm hurt.

My words came out like venom. I know she heard it too.

The young man has come back onto the stage, and the woman stayed on the stage as well.

They smile at each other before the piano is heard, and he begins to sing.

Now this one, this one has got to be the icing on the cake for me tonight.

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I don't have plans and schemes

And I don't have hopes and dreams

Baby I just don't have anything

Since I don't have you

I don't have fond desires

And I don't have happy hours

Baby, I don't have anything, anything

Since I don't have you, I don't have you

I don't have happiness

And I guess I never will again

When you walked out on me

In walked old misery

And he's been here since then

I don't have love to share

And I don't have one who cares

Baby I just don't have anything

Since I don't have you

I don't have happiness

And I guess I never will again

When you walked out on me

In walked old misery

And he's been here since then

I don't have love to share

And I don't have one who cares

Baby I just don't have anything

Since I don't have you

As the last of the notes die away, I can't help but look at Carter.

I see her wince slightly as she looks back at me.

She can see the pain and the hurt in my eyes.

I know she can.

I slam back the final round before rising to my feet and donning my leather jacket.

"I'll see ya later Carter."

She's about to say something, but I walk off, not wanting to hear it.

As the door closes behind me, I move quickly to my car, not wanting to risk her chasing me out here as well.

Too late though. She's practically at my side before I'm halfway to my car.

"Sir, please…"

"Don't start Carter."

Looking at her, I regret all those times I refused to let my heart take over.

And she knows that.

She realizes that she's hurt me.

She opens her mouth to speak, but quickly closes it again.

"What do you want from me Sam?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm happy for you. I really am."

And with that, I sling open the door to my truck and jump in.

She stands back as I start the engine and pull away.

As I head out, I steal a quick look into the rear view mirror, and see she's still standing there.

I regret leaving her there without us having properly talked, but I need to go home. I need to get away from her for a few hours.

I need to get away from the pain of losing her.

But Jazz has that effect on me. It lets me get away.

Even if I don't always want to.

~fin~

Okay, so, what did you think? Did you like? Oh, and don't just tell me that you liked it. I want to know what you liked about it. If you didn't like it, tell me what you didn't like so I can try harder next time to not make the same mistake.

Reviewing now would be good for me, as it keeps my muse around.


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